Numb

I'm numb. I can't put into words how unfeeling and OVERfeeling I am right now. I will eventually. 2 facts that I'm going to spit:

#1-My only brother is now dead

#2- I blame a little girl who I told to stay away from him 2 years ago. She'll read this. She's obsessed and nosey. Yes you...it's your fault. It's going to take a lot of years, prayer, and meditation for my heart to heal. I will never forgive you. Never.

Pee on this...

This blog just sits here...I don't write anymore. I just take pictures. I struggle between wanting to shut this down for good but maybe just one day I might feel the need to spar with it again.

On aging...

If one more person tells me I look "too young" I'm going to scream. I have good genes....I think. What is "dressing like an adult" and do I have to cake on make-up to make the point that I'm "30ish"? What exactly IS looking my age anyway? And even though I appear to be 19 to you- I have the mouth of a 40 year old sailor. Good day madam...good day.

Uh is this thing on...

I forgot I even had a blog until BlogHer contacted me and told me that my account was being disabled do to inactive blogging for over a month. WHERE in the world did the time go?! I swear I just got that tattoo! In my defense there are blog posts that are still in edit phase and yet to be published, one is about designers and pimps. Good read soon to come..if I have time.

Catching up:
I'm now the proud mom of a 2 years old. A rock'em sock 'em, cute as a button, STILL not potty trained, sentence stringing together 2 year old! Time flies when you never sleep.

I had to get ugly yall. I will refrain from adding full details due to the nature of the CRIME and the perp but lets just say my child was attacked and I had to act a fool. If YOU don't teach your child not to bite at least teach them not to bite MY child. Because of certain readers to this blog (if anyone is still there) I won't divulge all of the details lets just say SAID biting further reiterated to me why daycare is NOT an option...EVER and why I moved out of the hood. I don't do hood antics very well.

ANYhoo...I work. That's all I do day and night..I work, and I netWORK. I just work, and hang with my kid. Time is getting away from me often and thus I actually took to the streets to find a permanent babysitter for FUD. I met one who I believe to be super awesome, but no sooner did I find and interview her, I was too busy to actually put her to work. I've even resorted to taking FUD on certain shoots with me because that is honestly easier is some cases.

Other stuff in the past months I've been:
Sick
Tired
Sick and tired of being sick and tired.
PUBLISHED x3 (get crunk)
to California and back
Rock climbing through the canyons and waterfalls of Malibu
without a car
on planes
hobnobbing
on retreats
in hotels
in coffee shops
LAUGHING
working, working, working
investing
NOT sleeping
praying
adjusting

Random: that awkward moment when you realize that although your friends haven't changed that YOU have. I'm really over the negativity right now. I need happier people (not people who claim to be happy but really aren't) in my life right now.

*I didn't spell or grammar check this post so get over anything wrong. I'm tired.

Thuggin'

Just because I don't mind making fun of myself...I would like for you to go to THE LIST and refer to #5. Yeah...I did that....in the back of a dudes parent's house...(don't worry..he was super clean...OCD even) with disposable everything. (Crap I hope to don't catch the Hep!) Anywho... it's crooked. I have buyers remorse.(The Mr spent 20 whole dollars). I've already checked into getting it removed with THIS guy. I'm officially an elementary school teaching, Junior Leaguer, with a tattoo in the thugiest (made that word up) of places. I'm so gangster..I'm so hood. I have regret! UGH!! WTF was I thinking? I'm too cute for this ish. I truly look like an artist now though..and they lied when they say it hurts. Just imagine a rug burn. Now I'll never be a back of the neck model. : (

On Jealousy and Sitting

Last week I got jealous. ME! I got jealous!! Me. I was minding my own business on facebook when a friend of mine posted pictures of her fabulous anniversary trip with her amazing husband. Lovely candid photos of a great trip, the two of them smiling, happy, being goofy, RELAXING, eating OUT, I could go on. I got jealous because the last time I had THAT was last summer. Life is pretty boring over here. There have been no couples trips, no amazing anniversaries. My husband has never bought me a new car. YES...a new car too. *sigh*

Next week's our 3 year anniversary and because of his new work schedule there will be no taking off, no hotel stays this year, no nice dinner because he works hella late...nothing. Yep...I'm little bitter about it too. This milestone was supposed to replace the Mother's Day fiasco when FUD decided to projectile vomit all over my relaxation. We talked about the "lack thereof" last night and basically decided shit stinks for us right now. We have FUD, we have jobs, we have our health, but we currently have no fun. I travel often, but he's never able to go. If things pick up the way they're supposed to, HE'LL be traveling often without me. Based on this blog post,I'm in a shitty mood. I would end things there and log off but I have more to say...

Yesterday I posted an ad for a sitter. I gave in...I need my life back and the way my bookings are picking up if I'm to ever going to avoid daycare- a sitter is my only option. But let me tell you about the applicants that immediately applied for the job...Yes I said IMMEDIATELY:

Candidate #1- Misspelled numerous words, was 24 and had "children" of her own. "Children" as in more than one CHILD. I had to re-read her application because of the way things were spelled. *placed that app in file X-as in "Hell no you don't get an interview"*

Candidate #2- Impeccable spelling and grammar. Looked a little Mormon-ish. Not new Mormon but OLD Mormon. I may return to her application later but something about her profile photos tells me she won't be a good fit for our alternatively black lifestyle.

Candidate #3- Looked like a character from True Blood or Twilight. Moving on...

Candidate #4- Friggin Betty White look-a -like. Can you imagine FUD rolling with Betty White?!

Candidate #5- I think I may have a winner here, 24, great spelling and grammar, background check, references...I don't want to jinx it but I think I'm going to call her in for an interview. I'm sure I'll have more to write about this process later. I'm tired.

Catch me if you can

Eff it...I've got about 10 minutes before I fall asleep at this computer so if this blog is incoherent or just stupid, charge it to my head and my general lack of sleep.

I'm a single parent ya'll! No fools, ain't nobody get a divorce/separate. The Mr took a new full time job which means FUD and I kick it from SUN up to SUN damn down alone. I'm about to lose my mind up in here up in here. Why the eff is she so damn active...like ALL damn day.

The MR always says that when I'm at work during the school year- she takes 2 naps a day and is generally well behaved. *blank stare* I don't know what angelic child he speaks of but the midget that runs with me all day is NOT that kid. She's a demon ya'll. A smart, high tech, talking up a storm, refusing to be potty trained, but constantly taking her diaper off demon.

I was thinking about putting her in daycare until earlier today. My niece celebrated her 4th birthday today at her daycare. FUD and I went up there to eat some pizza, drop off her gifts, and steal Hello Kitty cupcakes. That ish was foul yo! Daycare's seem like breeding grounds for fungus and hate. The kids were bad, teachers were salty, and I didn't want to sit down for fear of contracting some sort of toddler related skin condition.

Overheard at the daycare:

Teacher: What's your name boy?

Kid: Butter

Teacher: Butter?!

Kid: Yes, Butter

Smaller kid: That's my brother.

Teacher:That's your brother? Why do they call him butter?

Smaller kid: Because he's smooth like butter.

Me: *blank stare*

These are my options for FUD? HOME or Butter?! Forget that...I'll take my chances at home as long as I can.

In a little over a month I have to go back to work. I'm still toying with the idea of going back full-time just because I'm starting to long for some shiny things that my current budget doesn't allow for. If I go back though FUD suffers. I'm having severe trust issues lately. I seriously think everyone is a child molester. I know it sounds crazy I do, but I just don't trust anyone but my very close circle to keep her. I think I need counseling about this.

Speaking of counseling let's talk about what to do when your parents start dating. I mean I'm 30 plus so I should be able to handle this right? EFF that- that dudes GOT to go! I'm going to make him disappear. No not in the murderous kind of way, but in the be a pain in the arse, grown adult kid of the woman you like- who throws salt everytime she even think you're trying to feel on her moms booty kind of way. Oh man, I just got a visual. I really hope my mom's not letting that dude feel on her booty. I mean i'ts only been 2 years since my dad passed away and I don't need no new daddy! NO NEW DADDY! Maybe I should start asking him for money. That would make him run the hell off quick and fast.

Sheesh...my eyelids...sleepppppppppppppppppppppppppp